Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Today I am thankful for...

... writing my second poem since being prescribed a certain class of medicine in early 2000. Before that, I wrote poetry prolifically. The poems were constantly clamoring in my head, insisting to be put to paper. I would call it a blessing and a curse - and it was! - and then, within three or four days on the new med, the poems fell silent, and I did not hear them any more. And their loss was an ache inside me, an empty place in my head, a hole behind my breastbone. But I needed that med, and it literally saved my life.

In November 2005, my doctor and I finished weaning me off of the meds I'd been on. I faced this with some trepidation, but with confidence. I'd been doing really well for the last five years. I was not facing the drama that had been my daily (hourly, minutely) companion for so long. Life was good, and I was good. Over the last fourteen months, aspects of me have been re-emerging - aspects that I hadn't even realized were missing while I was on those meds. It was wonderful to welcome back all those pieces of myself, and I waited hopefully and prayerfully for the poems to come back. I'm still mostly waiting, mostly resigned to leaving that part of my life behind.

But then last night, as I sat in class (operations management - a rather boring lecture, with much hand-waving and ignoring of units of measure as we worked a quantitative problem), a poem began to speak to me. I listened, and let the words flow onto the paper. It is not my best work, by far, but it shows promise. And even though it's a rather depressing piece, I'm so pleased to have had a poem flow through my mind, to my hand, to the paper, once again. So today, I am thankful for this poem.

Where is the poetry in my life?
Where is the beauty in my soul?
Where is the joy I used to feel?
Why is my heart so cold?

Where is the music of the spheres?
Where is the rainbow in my sky
Where is the quick smile on my face?
Why is my laughter a lie?

Somewhere I lost my humor and grace,
misplaced my wonder and love.
I miss jumping puddles out in the rain
and catching the drops on my tongue.

I cling to my children, who smile at me,
whose lives are still at their start.
I soak up their beauty, their wonder, their joy -
young magic kick-starts my heart.